By Yaser Birjas & Megan Wyatt
A while past, a father came to Pine Tree State for facilitate with finding a possible husband for his female offspring. So, I asked him to share her wedding resume with Pine Tree State.
A couple of days later, her father brought Pine Tree State a wedding resume. when rummaging through her wedding resume, that was quite long, I told the father:
“I thought you needed Pine Tree State to seem for a possible husband for your female offspring, not a job!”
What she represented altogether those pages may be summarized in 2 letters: MD.
So, however did she actually need to explain herself?
From my years of teaching on the subject of affection and wedding, and direction singles, married couples, and their folks, I will tell you this:
By knowing concerning this one important mistake, you will, in sha God, method} to talk concerning yourself in an exceedingly way that draws the sort of brother you\'re finding out, permits you to stay cornered the brothers you are doing not wish knock on your father’s door, and prevents you from turning off the terribly quite person you\'re seeking.
Now, let’s get into the main points of that one mistake.
When Sister Megan Wyatt was conducting interviews with single Muslim sisters ages 25-30, she asked them to try and do the following:
“Describe yourself in an exceedingly few sentences thus I might successively describe you to a brother United Nations agency i feel is also a possible adorer.”
Almost each sister told her what she doesn\'t wish in an exceedingly marriage; the sort of brother she doesn\'t wish to satisfy. Hardly anyone really answered the question. The few sisters United Nations agency did answer gave short, jape responses.
The realization was this: several sisters haven\'t any plan the way to gift themselves.
You may be attempting to urge married in an exceedingly method that worked within the past, whereas you\'re not just like the girls of the past.
Sixty to seventy years past, even during this country, a woman’s role in wedding was clear.
Today, at the age of nineteen or twenty, most Muslim girls expect to finish at a minimum a university degree beforegetting married.
Along with that degree, there\'s the question of whether or not or not you wish a career, or maybe simply to dabble within the force for a few time. does one wish to pursue graduate school, and if so, United Nations agency can beware of the children, if you have got any?
We area unit viewing this while not judgment — but, there\'s one thing essential to be understood:
The majority of active Muslim men within the West, supported our interviews, blogs, and private conversations with them across the country, despite growing over here area unit yearning for a adult female United Nations agency can fill a a lot of ancient role, that of a occupy home wife; and at the smallest amount to be home with future kids, in sha God.
And we have conjointly learned that a lot of of you wish to try and do simply that: marry, and eventually, be there for your family and youngsters in an exceedingly a lot of “traditional” role.
Now, several brothers area unit willing to be versatile to some extent, however if you raise most of them their preference, this can be what they want…
…leading United States of America to it important mistake:
Not knowing the way to describe yourself for wedding.
What happens once the primary issue you say concerning yourself, or your friend says concerning you is:
“She is twenty six years recent, and includes a degree in chemistry, and he or she is presently in graduate school.” Or, “…is operating in an exceedingly research laboratory known as xyz.”
From the brother’s perspective, he hears an outline that claims very little (or nothing) concerning what he\'s yearning for in an exceedingly adult female, other than “educated.”
Let’s take another example:
“She is powerful and active in Da’wah, is functioning on memorizing the Qur’an, includes a degree in journalism, and teaches in her native Sunday school.”
Again, glorious qualities. It says a trifle a lot of concerning you, but still, for a brother: what\'s it that he\'s seeking?
The tough reality is that brothers area unit yearning for specific qualities, and once they hear them, it alerts them that this can be the sort of sister value considering.
But what happens if nobody is describing you in an exceedingly method, on your behalf, that speaks his language — that highlights the qualities he desires?
The idea of sitting around associated anticipating others to seek out you somebody is an choice, however it\'s not essentially the foremost tested choice, particularly lately.
Many brothers area unit asking alternative sisters to assist them realize a adult female, as a result of their families is also abroad, or their folks don’t share constant quite values as them in terms of the deen.
The fact is that nowadays each men and girls area unit taking a lot of of an energetic role in finding out a spouse equivalent on their own, which implies that you simply might have to find out the way to represent yourself to some extent — to elucidate United Nations agency you\'re, and what you wish in an exceedingly husband.
So you wish to think: however am i able to describe myself in an exceedingly method that\'s truthful, whereas conjointly telling him concerning Pine Tree State in an exceedingly method that interests him?
So many sisters write of themselves as if they\'re yearning for a pen pal! Seriously.
We sifted through we tend todding} resumes and bio-data of the many sisters that we found on-line. (That’s another purpose altogether — having full access to a sister’s picture and her details offered to finish strangers, while not even having to log in!)
Let’s share 2 examples:
“I presently work as a metabolic process practician and that i intend on following my Master’s degree in physiotherapy. My hobbies embody outlay time with family and friends, taking road visits, and traveling the globe. i like music and change of state ethnic cuisine! I return from a really in love, understanding, and verificatory family.”
“My sister is twenty six years recent. She could be a graduate of first rudiment University. presently she is functioning as a chemist in an exceedingly star company. She could be a nice person with associate open mind and an excellent heart. i\'m thus glad that God (swt) blessed Pine Tree State with such an excellent sibiling. i like her and insha’Allah if you decide on her you may recognize why she is thus nice. My sister, XYZ, enjoys reading and going out. She is slim and tall with an excellent smile. She isn\'t a TV person. She is freelance. we tend to area unit two brothers and a pair of sisters. XYZ is no. three in our very little family. i\'m the older, married sister and that i wish to assist my sister conjointly marry thus she will be able to get pleasure from life like i\'m doing.”
We got bored reading through these. If we tend to were finding out our own brother, we might think: “Forget this! everybody sounds constant. everybody likes to travel, shop, attend the cinema, eat, and everybody says they\\\'re a pleasant and caring person.”
So, what makes those 2 examples bad?
Reading through thousands of ads like that, here area unit simply some qualities that we tend to found common altogether of them:
Vague
Too long (too several details)
Not to the purpose
Confused or positive
Too personal
Too skilled
Too coquettish
Too smart to be true
Too immature
Too fastidious (race, culture, qualities etc.)
Confrontational (expecting a war for rights and obligations)
Suspicious
On the opposite hand, what area unit the qualities that area unit common in smart descriptions or wedding resumes?
Very realistic in self description and in spousal demands (sounds real)
Balanced in temperament and expertise
Family 1st
To the purpose
Very clear language (Accurate orthography and sensible choice of words)
Natural flow of thoughts
If you’re serious concerning very obtaining this idea, we’d such as you do a fast exercise (without anyone’s facilitate, simply by yourself).
First a part of the exercise (three questions):
1) Write down 3-5 sentences describing yourself.
2) Write down 3-5 sentences concerning what quite man you\\\'re yearning for.
3) Write in just one sentence what you may not think about in an exceedingly man.
It is vital that you simply skills to talk concerning yourself with confidence. it\\\'s not humility to be unable to explain yourself, and simply smile and fumble over words.
Oftentimes, {when we tend to|once we tend to|after we} suppose we area unit acting humbly we are literally trying to cover our lack of vanity and lack of recognition of the qualities that God (subhanahu American state ta’ala) has given United States of America to share with others.
Remember: you\\\'re not going around praiseful yourself; you\\\'re describing yourself for wedding. suppose it.
Now, for the second a part of the exercise:
Go back and re-read your answers and raise yourself the following:
1) however true area unit the items I simply wrote down? is that this very me? is that this however my friends and family would describe me?
2) What have I same that will be fascinating to the sort of brother i\\\'m trying to meet?
As you think that concerning the words, phrases, feelings, and qualities that you simply would opt for, might} realize that you simply may have a number of the qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ can like and you\\\'ll have some qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ won\\\'t like.
Being too personal isn\\\'t an honest plan. Same is true for being too skilled.
Whatever the case is, the keyword you wish to recollect is: “balance.”
Here is that the key thought, rock bottom line: find out how to talk concerning yourself, method} to explain yourself in an exceedingly way that enables you to be assured, and delightful in your modesty, that may connect with the words and thoughts within the mind of your mister. Right.
Think about however you wish to gift yourself — the qualities you wish to spotlight that matter lots to him, not what causes you to fall soft on together with your own self!
After all, you\\\'re yearning for a husband, somebody from the alternative gender (not a lady friend or a buddy).
Just a facet note: if you are doing use an image in an exceedingly wedding resume (with permission from your wali!), please don\\\'t try and appear as if America’s next prime hijabi model just like the ones you see on-line, and significantly on the notorious Facebook. Too several sisters strive puckering their lips, trying over their shoulders with some sultry pout, etc. that turns off the sort of active man you\\\'re very seeking.
So, stick with a photograph that has hayaa within the image; one thing traditional and natural.
While you\\\'re finding out your mister. Right, keep in mind that in these moments there should be hidden gifts. As Muslims, we tend to area unit to believe that there\\\'s a plus to each state of affairs during which we discover ourselves.
Look at the time that has pass on, and raise yourself:
“I’m not married, though I’ve been attempting for a protracted time. what\\\'s it that God needs Pine Tree State to learn? What message, what lesson is anticipating my heart?”
We raise God (subhanahu American state ta’ala) to bless you with sabr, 1st and foremost, as a result of God loves people who have patience, and he\\\'s near people who have sabr.
We raise God to bring into your life the sort of husband you\\\'re finding out, and to permit your journey from begin to complete to be a method of growing nearer to God, finding His rahmah, and leading you to ever-increasing levels of iman.
